


Never Gonna Be

by Diglossia



Category: Panik
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-24
Updated: 2010-01-24
Packaged: 2017-10-06 15:59:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/55395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Diglossia/pseuds/Diglossia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Linke knew he was going to have to talk to Timo about it eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Gonna Be

David's not talking to him.

It doesn't bother Linke as much as it should since David is ignoring pretty much everyone else in the band, too, but...it's not just David.

Timo's ignoring Linke, too, much more so than David. David's pissed about the looming break up, which is to be expected. He's in the "don't talk to me or I'll stab you in the face" mood which is oh so fun for everyone else but Linke's dealt with it before and he's set in to wait for David to turn back into Mr. Bubbly.

Timo is another story. He's holed up in his room, only coming out to leave the bandhouse and locking himself in immediately upon his return. But the thing is, it's only Linke he's locking out. Frank's been in to see him to talk and settle things alone. Juri spent one afternoon locked in with Timo, not telling the rest of them what he said afterwards. Jan's been in and out as often as David, always looking way more stressed out and frustrated when he leaves than when he goes in.

Jan won't tell Linke what's going on. He talks to Timo for hours and hours, stopping in with a couple of drinks just to talk or do something, Linke not knowing what.

He sees Timo at lunch sometimes, when Frank cooks vegetarian. Linke supposes Timo needs to eat but he only picks at the food, David giving him sidelong glances that Timo ignores. Timo never says anything to anyone. He won't even look at the other members of Panik but Linke feels that, especially, it's him who Timo won't look at because Timo does look at them. He has to, to get Juri to pass the rice or when Jan cracks a joke or to thank Franky for making the food. But he never looks at Linke. Never. Of this Linke is certain.

It's building, this feeling of deliberate exclusion and Linke can't fully comprehend it. Timo's mad because he's leaving but so are Frank and Juri and _Jan_. God, _Jan's_ leaving. That betrayal has to hurt ten times worse than anyone else, doesn't it?

_So what's so special about me?_ Linke asks himself. _Why am I the one he's avoiding?_

In his head, there's no answer, only a dulling white blur of noise. Linke doesn't want to talk to Timo about his decision to leave. He's not interested in fighting about it or even talking rationally because when it comes down to it, Linke wants out. He's sick of fighting naysayers and of struggling to make a name for himself. It's been just about two years of Panik, two years of striking out on their own with only David as their producer. They've come so far since Nevada Tan and they've come nowhere. It's been struggle after struggle and no one gives a shit. There have been awards, yes, television coverage, and magazine spreads but, all in all, they haven't accomplished what they set out to do. It's...it's just not fun anymore.

But this is Timo's dream, Timo's everything, and Linke knows one day he's going to have to tell Timo to his face that he's leaving. Alone, without Juri or Frank or Jan at his back to add support and make all of his reasons make sense. Linke's going to have to do it unless- unless he can just let time slip by, let November turn into December and let that last concert pass by, pack his bags, and leave without giving Timo a hug or even a goodbye. Have a reunion tour fifteen years down the road and pretend nothing happened, that he didn't say this wasn't a good idea.

If Timo would just talk to him, just acknowledge his existence, Linke could make this all work. But Timo doesn't and Linke has to strike up the nerve to knock on his door one Friday afternoon when the guys have gone out for pizza and David's alone in the basement making music.

He knocks, wondering what he needs to say to get it out, the words he wishes were more implicit than they are, and waits for Timo to answer.

There's a mumbled grunt, barely a human sound, and Linke turns the handle. Unlocked. He wonders if it's been unlocked every time and he just assumed, just hoped that it was Timo shutting him out and not him leaving Timo alone.

"Timo?" Linke asks, like there's a possibility of anyone else being in the room.

"What do you want?" Timo growls from the bed. He's got his face pressed into the pillows, lying on his stomach with an empty plate and a fork next to him. More plates litter the floor, Linke realizes, along with far too many candy bar wrappers to be healthy. No beer, so at least Timo isn't drunk. That would be harder to deal with.

Linke stands with his hands folded behind him, awkward, wanting to leave and knowing he has to stay. He's already entered Timo's room, he's already breached their mutual silence.

"To talk," Linke says simply.

"If it's about what I think it is, then you can just go away. I don't want to talk," Timo grumbles. It comes out half-hearted and for some reason, Linke's chest begins to ache. Confusion sweeps over him because this is decisively _not_ his normal reaction to Timo and hasn't been for a long time. Linke thought he was over that crush.

"You know we have to," Linke says, his voice dropping in volume. Some part of him argues that he should just scream it out to Timo: _I'm fucking over this!_ and let it be that but Timo's not mad. They aren't fighting.

"I don't want to," Timo says, his voice breaking. He turns into his pillow, muffling what sounds like a cry. It's a broken sound, like a lost child, alone and frightened. Linke steps forward without thinking, slides onto Timo's bed, and wraps his left arm around Timo's back. There are no tears but Timo's crying, soft hiccups into the pillow until Linke shifts around and forces Timo to look at him.

"Timo," he murmurs, not sure what to say. He's seen Timo cry before (Linke swears he's seen Timo do everything before) but it's never been directed at him, just at family or management frustrations or, on rare occasion, over a friend's death. There have been several of those. "Timo."

"You're leaving," Timo hiccups, trying to pull away from Linke, trying to hide the pain so evident in his voice and on his face. "I get it, it's too much. You guys couldn't take it but, Chris, you're leaving. Why are _you_ leaving?"

Linke frowns and traces his thumb down Timo's jawline. Feelings are welling up in him, feelings he thought he had forgotten and gotten over. He had thought he was through with thinking about Timo as more than a friend but now...it's as though the last few years haven't made a difference. His stomach is twisting, partly from the pain of seeing his friend in so much pain but partly because he's getting aroused from having Timo pressed against him, from feeling his chest shake with every sob. Timo's pressing closer to him with every second and Linke can't focus on the fact that Timo's crying because it feels so _good_.

"The same reasons everyone else is, Timo. I need to branch out, make enough money to actually live."

"But you're going to play, right?" Timo says, lifting his head to look at Linke. Somehow, they've twisted so that Timo's all but lying on top of Linke, their legs tangled together but Timo's not saying a word against it and Linke can't make himself even begin to do anything to stop it. "You're going to try to make an album on your own and play your own music. What's the difference between that and us? Chris, we played your song, we put it in the CD. We can keep doing that. You can help write every song. It's what you've been doing all along."

"I..." There are reasons for Linke to leave, so many reasons, but they seem to have all dribbled out his brain through his ear because Linke can't remember a single one that makes any sort of sense. "Timo, I have to leave."

"No, you-" Timo begins but stops. His whole body quivers as he balls his hand in Linke's shirt, the hem rising up, exposing Linke's bare skin to Timo's warm clothes. He's staring at Linke, those brown eyes so full of pain and betrayal, and Linke's staring back at a loss for words.

So he does the stupidest, most cliched thing he can think of, and he kisses Timo. Linke kisses that perfect, Cupid's bow mouth, cups Timo's skull with his hand, and uses his tongue to craft the only apology he can. Timo's startled at first but he comes to terms with the situation pretty quickly and then he's dancing right along with Linke, sucking on his tongue and pushing back against him, pinning Linke to the bed. Timo straddles Linke easily, kissing eagerly as though he's overcome all his earlier sadness but Linke knows that's not the truth. He knows they are going nowhere with this, that this is a last ditch effort to make up for the time they lost but that's just it: they've lost it, Linke's leaving, and nothing's going to change that.

But for now, for this one stolen moment before things really fall apart, Linke takes what should have always been his.


End file.
